Whether it is at work, around the table while visiting family or in day to day life with your partner, emotional regulation can make or break your relationships. While some people struggle to feel and understand their own emotions and the emotions of others, others feel emotions so intensely that they lose site of their reactions. Lashing out while emotions are high can lead to feelings of shame and regret, and can hurt loved ones even if that wasn’t the initial intent.
Emotional regulation is the ability to keep emotions in check. While emotions are not a bad thing, it is important that behaviors and decisions are guided by logic. Emotional regulation comes naturally to some, while it tends to be more difficult for more emotional and expressive personality types.
Tips For Emotional Regulation
1. Be mindful of how your emotions can affect others.
Sometimes emotions are so powerful in the moment that it creates tunnel vision. In that moment, it is as if nothing else exists or could be true outside of that feeling. In those moments it is very important to understand that you are emotionally flooded. Much like a drunk person acts differently under the influence, emotional overwhelm changes perception and can warp reactions. Remembering this can save you from unleashing on others and causing damage that can leave scars long after the emotional wave crashes.
2. Breathe before you respond.
If emotions are triggered during a conversation, a quick way to calm the situation is to remember to breathe before reacting. A small moment of taking a breath can ground you when you need it most.
3. Refuse to respond/react when you are emotionally heated.
The moment emotions rise to a level that it feels urgent, it is important to take control of the situation. When the emotions flare you have an important choice. Give in to them, or walk away. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is ask for space and leave to cool down. It may save your relationship.
4. Agree to revisit triggering topics within 24-48 hours.
Although it’s important to walk away when things get overly heated, it is also important to revisit the topic within 24-48 hours. You owe it to yourself and to your loved one, too. Don’t let the feelings dominate your life. Deal with them and move on from them quickly, even if you need to practice doing that.
5. Don’t make major decisions based off of emotions.
A very important reminder – your emotions can lie to you. Once the urgency fades, your logic returns, and it’s important to prevent doing things you regret. When intense emotions arise, take some time and space before making any decisions.
What to Do if You Are Struggling To Emotionally Regulate
If you are struggling to emotionally regulate, it is important to start developing the skill. Like learning anything new, it will take time, focus, and practice. It isn’t easy, but it will change your life and your relationships for the better.
Different people learn in different ways. Maybe journaling and reading is the key for you. Maybe it is finding a community where you can openly share your struggles without judgement with others who understand and relate.
Maybe therapy is your best option as a trained professional will help you to heal through the past and pain that created this internal struggle, and then equip you with the tools and space for trial and error over time. No matter what your path looks like, the most important decision you can make is to start.
What To Do If Your Partner Is Struggling To Emotionally Regulate
If you gave a partner that is struggling to emotionally regulate, it’s important to remember to keep your own wellbeing at the top of your mind. If you need space, respectfully communicate it but take it. If you need to address toxic behaviors that arise during moments of emotional stress, it is important to do so without adding fuel to the fire.
Your partner will need patience, understanding, and clear communication. Sometimes they may need comfort and leadership on your part. At the end of the day you cannot fight their battles for them, so remember to keep them accountable to avoid draining your own energy.
Change is not something that can be forced. Your partner must wan the change and pursue it independently. If they don’t, you must decide what is best for you.