Whether you have a close relationship with a friend, a family member, or a significant other, or if you are evaluating your own inner world, emotional availability is something that affects your relationships with yourself and others.
When someone is emotionally available, they are able to identify and understand their own thoughts and feelings and express them. When someone is emotionally unavailable, they may feel emotions but struggle to access them, understand them, and explain what is happening inside of their internal world.
Imagine that a couple is joking around and one of the partners makes a joke that unintentionally pokes at an unspoken insecurity. The emotionally available hurt partner might be able to calmly express how the joke made them feel. Their partner would understand and make sure to be aware of the insecurity. Maybe they would even go out of their way to help their partner build confidence in themselves, and over time that learning moment would positively impact their relationship.
Now let’s say the same scenario takes place with an emotionally unavailable partner. The emotionally unavailable partner may feel their mood suddenly shift but they would also feel numb to it and might not understand why in the moment. Instead of sharing their feelings in that moment, they would keep it inside and maybe even unintentionally lash out. This can lead to a snowball effect where both partners lash out at the other and struggle to understand where the negativity is stemming from.
People that are emotionally available are able to understand and express their own emotions. People that are emotionally unavailable are not.
What To Do If Your Loved One Is Emotionally Unavailable
Having a loved one that is emotionally unavailable can be a painful experience. You may try to read them and interpret their thoughts and feelings without success. In moments that you need reassurance or comfort, you may not receive it. In moments that you need clarity and answers from them, you may get a confused response, leaving you feeling unsure of what to think or feel.
In those moments it is important to remember that the journey to becoming emotionally available is a personal one. You cannot take on the responsibility of someone else’s journey. With that being said, their emotional state can still affect you. Knowing the right steps to take to protect your own heart while also supporting their growth is crucial to navigating this situation. Here are some important steps you can take.
1. Evaluate the level of emotional availability.
Is the lack of communication about emotions a pattern? If yes, is it constantly occurring or only during times of high stress or abnormal circumstances? If your loved one is only emotionally unavailable during times of abnormal stress, you can offer them support and love in a variety of ways, knowing that eventually they will come around and be emotionally available again.
If your loved one shows signs of emotional unavailability at all times, your situations differs. For the person that is truly emotionally unavailable, it is good to talk to them about this and the way it affects their relationships. It is even recommendable to encourage them to seek out therapy to learn these skills. From there, the accountability rests on their shoulders.
Most people are not emotionally unavailable by choice. Often times it is a trauma response or a response to growing up in an environment where emotional skillsets were not demonstrated or taught. Like learning any new skill, the process will take time and effort. The emotionally unavailable person is the only one who will be able to solve this dynamic.
In the meantime, if this is a potential romantic partner, you may want to evaluate whether or not this is healthy for you to continue pursuing. Remember, taking care of your own emotional wellbeing is your responsibility, and you cannot sacrifice your own peace to try to change someone who does not want to change.
2. Involve other members if their support system.
if you are seeing your loved one needs help: There may come a point where you see your loved one is drowning as they try to manage their own sinking ship. It is important to remember there is only so much you can do. With that being Sid it is wise to involve other safe members of their support system.
Pain that hides in the dark is especially dangerous. Bring the issue to light and let their loved ones be a part of the healing process. It is very important that they know they are not along.
3. Prioritize your peace.
At the end of the day, adult to adult, there is not a lot you can do to motivate someone to change. If you see an opportunity to help, you should take it, but never sacrifice your own well-being in the process. The emotionally unavailable person needs to take on this challenge when they are ready for it.
Sometimes by forcing change upon them, you will actually push them away even further. And remember, it is okay to take space or walk away when the situation calls for it.
How To Become Emotionally Available
If you are not emotionally available, take a moment to breathe. Phases of emotional unavailability can happen in life, and sometimes we simply are not raised with the toolkit needed to navigate life’s emotional storms.
You can learn this skill set if you genuinely want to, and this is a great place to start.
1. Start a journal.
Even if you are not in the habit of this, implementing this practice at the start or end of your day can start to awaken you to your own thoughts and feelings. Often times during the day our mind is occupied with tasks and circumstances. Meanwhile, our internal worlds are ignored or neglected.
But that doesn’t mean they disappear. They haunt us through our moods, through sudden unexplainable exhaustion, and through sudden attacks of feeling very upset by seemingly small day to day things. Journaling will bring all of the thoughts and feelings beneath the surface of your mind to the light.
Some days you may just jot down a quick thought. Other days, you may find the words won’t stop pouring out of you. Whether you start big or small, this practice will help you to release what is inside.
2. Talk to a friend.
Whether it’s a friend, family member, partner, coworker, or support group, find another person you can open to. Their advice is not the focal point here, it is more about getting into the habit of sharing thoughts and feelings with others. The more you do it, the more comfortable you will become.
3. Practice with small talk.
Many psychologists recommend exposure therapy, which is essentially exposing you to the thing that you fear. Challenge yourself to get out of your comfort zone by purposefully striking up a small conversation at work, school, or even at the local grocery store.
No matter where you go, someone around will be the perfect person to practice with. Let it be awkward. Over time, the awkwardness will fade as you start to normalize connection within your daily routine.
Emotionally Available Feeling
If you have always struggled with emotional availability, you may struggle to imagine what it would feel like to become emotionally available. Maybe the prospect even scares you. If it does? That’s okay. We normally shut down access to our emotions to maintain a sense of control. What you may now realize is that even though that state of control is comfortable, it has also become a source of pain and actually is the very thing blocking you from being able to embrace true love, understanding, and connection.